My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
