i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
