Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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