i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
