How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
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