So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
