You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
