after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
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