i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
