I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Randomize
