I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
So. Much. Porn.
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