Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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