I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
