So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
