She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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