I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Randomize
