I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
