Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
