I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Randomize
