Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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