That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
