Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Houston, we have a blender
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Randomize
