im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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