but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
