I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
