While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
