I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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