Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
The air taste purple.
Randomize
