He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Randomize
