i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
