Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
