Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
