i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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