If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
And then he peed in my hair
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