you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
