So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Randomize
