That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
