When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
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