just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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