that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
accomplished twins. life is a go
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
