I've blown a few things in my day
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize
