The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
