if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
In other news, I just burned my penis
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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