we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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