Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
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