we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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