Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
