I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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