I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
