That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Just pee around me
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
